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Posts Tagged ‘tomorrow’

For most of my life, I’ve followed my dad in thinking that “if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.” If I want the dishes done, I might as well do them, or they won’t get done. I might as well mow the lawn, or it won’t get mowed. But then bitterness seems to creep in. I have roommates, I have family members. Why am I always the one doing the dang dishes? Maybe because I never ask someone else to do them. Why ask for help when you don’t need it?

I have a weakness in being a perfectionist with hands-on work, like cleaning the house. But my counselor told me something that has stuck with me: Maybe I shouldn’t strive for perfectionism, but instead strive for excellence. Excellence has room for failure. Perfectionism doesn’t.

In everything I do, I have trained my mind to think that I am on my own. Sometimes I get advice from friends, but when finances are looking dicey, when exhaustion takes over, when my worries and fears about the future keep creeping into my mind like spiders, I feel like throwing in the towel. Fine, maybe I should just find an expensive restaurant and live as a waitress instead. Maybe I should just work at a factory job since I like working with my hands. Sometimes the work may suck, but it would pay the bills. I’m not a very good college student anyway. Why pray about something that only I have control over?

Sometimes when I pray, I really feel like I’m talking to God. I can have a conversation with him without needing to hear words out loud. But other times, I feel like I’m talking to the wall. There are so many voices in my head that I can’t tell which one might be the devil, which one might be God, and which one is just me overanalyzing and overthinking everything.

I want to marry a man on fire for God because I need someone who will put God first in our relationship and keep me on track in my walk with God. But it needs to go both ways. I need to also help him keep on track in his walk with God.

I look at how many times I go on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Snapchat, Instant messaging. . .

And then I compare it to how many times I pray and read Scripture. Most of my praying is done through my teachers praying at the beginning of class. The amount I actually stop to pray is quite small. The amount of time I spend in my Bible is even smaller. Sometimes I feel quite ashamed to call myself a Christian. If I want to be with God, then I need to actually BE with God. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me if you seek me with all your heart.” Am I actually seeking Him with my heart? If you want to find God, you will find Him.

God is in church, he’s in the Bible, he is on the opposite end of my prayers. He’s right there, but instead I’ve been going on Facebook to see how much deeper of a hole our government is digging us into and catch up on the latest Miley Cyrus pish posh. Or I go through pages of Life Hacks on Pinterest that tell me how to get gum off my clothes and look for different homemade Halloween costume ideas. I watch movie trailers, music videos, and the latest episode of Once Upon a Time. . . I haven’t gone to the Bible much to actually sit and read. I mostly skim and find single verses that I attempt to memorize. But that’s not how the Bible is supposed to be used.

When I stress over something, my friend Emily asks, “Did you pray about it?” But what could God do? This is my stress, my fight, my struggle.

But actually, no, it’s not. The whole point of the cross was basically Jesus telling us, “You can’t do this alone, so I want to help you. You may have sinned, but I want to give you a second chance. I want to free you from this burden, because I would rather go through this torture than to see you burn in the Lake of Fire.”

Just because I’m a Christian, doesn’t mean my life is any easier than anyone else’s. But it does mean that I am reminded that I’m living for something, for someone. Even if I would work as a janitor for the rest of my life, my purpose is just as important as the principal of the school. A purpose is not just in the job we do, but in how we live our lives, the words we speak to people, the actions we take. I was reading the blog of a friend who was saying how God has been using other people to talk to her instead of God talking to her specifically. God has been giving the answers to her questions to other people to give to her personally. I really want to be a mouthpiece for God, but to do that I need to actually pray and be with God.

I am still working on the transition from thinking I can live alone, to admitting that I need God. It is much more stressful trying to deal with thoughts, people, and problems alone than when you give them to God. Even if I’m frustrated with God, confused, sad, terrified…God wants to know it all. It doesn’t matter that He already knows what I’m going to say, it matters that I am voicing my mind. I don’t even thank God enough for everything He has done for me. God wants to hear my praises as much as my stresses. The reminder of the good that has even come from dark times is an awesome lift for the soul. Two years ago, I read my Bible more, I prayed more, I was happier. But it’s not a decision you make only once. Choosing to follow God is a decision that you have to continue making every time you wake up in the morning. I need God as much today as I did yesterday. And I’ll need him just as much tomorrow.

My need will never stop, but God can handle it. Why would I want to carry the weight of the world on my sore shoulders, when Jesus already the weight of my sin for me? I’m not alone, I’ve never been alone, and I’m tired of allowing myself to think that I have to handle everything on my own. I don’t, and you don’t either. 

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Frustration is a pain in the ass. Not necessarily the things that make us frustrated, but frustration in general. Not everyone is frustrated by the same things. Some people get frustrated by things that others don’t, which is why it is frustration that is frustrating. Wouldn’t you love a life that didn’t have any frustration? That you could accept everything that happens, maybe do some crying, but move on from there without going through the anger stage?

Frustration leads to anger, anger leads us to doing harmful things or saying hurtful things. At the high point, we would all love it if we could just give up and call it quits because that would be easier. Committing suicide would be easier. Maybe suicides were just tired of their problems and wanted them to end. Just think, you’d never have to work, never have to pay bills, never have to get stuck in rush hour traffic again…But we are all still needed here. You are still needed here, whether you know it or not.

The tests of life come at us at every age. Maybe the fan’s shit is hitting you like a baseball pitching machine. Maybe right now you’re good at dodging. But one of these days, you will get hit. Trust me. It won’t be pretty, but you have to know it’s coming. It all depends on how you handle the situation.

I am studying abroad in Italy for three months for the spring semester, and just when I think that after twenty documents and ten people I’ve talked to that I might actually be done. Now I find out that the times on my flight schedule don’t line up, travel insurance that I’ve already paid for hasn’t gone through, and my advisor never gave the “okay” for my classes to go through, though I had already met up and talked with her about them. It seems to be one thing after another, and I am getting so frustrated I wish I could just call off the trip. I am definitely never doing this again. The planning is too much of a headache.

Yes, it’ll be “worth it” once I’m over there, but I’m sure even in your moments of frustration, it is extremely hard to think about what you’re working towards when the present problems are kicking your ass with both feet.

But I’m not going to tell you to close your eyes and breathe. I’m not going to tell you to calm down, because the minute someone tells me to calm down, I want to punch them in the face.

What I will tell you is push aside whatever you are doing for at least a couple minutes, and go watch an episode of your favorite show. Stick in your ear buds and listen to some music. Go buy a sandwich or play a video game. Get away from whatever is frustrating you,  and get your head back on straight before you approach it again.

I know that I will not have the patience to be put on hold for another ten minutes with the airline, so I have decided to call them back tomorrow when I will be more willing to deal with it. Do whatever it is you need to do so you don’t feel like giving up. Frustration is a bitch, and it will take you up in flames if you don’t find ways to deal with your strengths and weaknesses. I am off to watch an episode of “Bones” with my sister so I can get my mind lost in a life that isn’t mine.

Just please don’t give up. Even on life. In the moment, you may not give a shit, but later on you will. Get some air and do what you need to do that doesn’t involve tying a noose. Or quitting your job. Or giving up on a marriage. God never puts you in a position that you can’t handle. Believe in yourself.

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People underestimate themselves. I am a B student, but I think that might just be because I am the world’s greatest procrastinator… But what if I took the time before hand to correct some simple things that I knew could be better? If I really challenged myself to be an A student and put time and effort into my homework as I do my short stories and books…what might I be?

This past week I wasn’t feeling at all myself. Part of it might have been because of my dogs that died, but I think it went deeper than that. Not even music was doing anything for me…and music has always turned things around for me. Now that school is almost over, I have enough papers and projects due this coming week that would give high schoolers a second thought about going to college. A couple of them are due Monday, but I decided to take today for myself. A friend and I went shopping for a cake and some small presents for a friend’s birthday tomorrow, and when we got back, we chopped off one of the school’s flowers to give to the friend, and I came back and did some Karaoke by myself using Youtube. Then I watched Sherlock Holmes, followed by a romantic comedy called No Reservations. Awesome movies. These couple of things have switched my whole day around. Having the afternoon to myself while my roommates were out doing whatever, was relaxing. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and for the first time in many days, I don’t mind that I have a lot to do tomorrow, because I got to have today.

We push and push ourselves into such pressure all the time, that sometimes we just start feeling like crap, though we don’t always know what from. I don’t know what you’re going through, what you’re worried about, or what may be going wrong in your life right now, but sometimes you just need to stop. Stop trying to run with a pack that has stronger legs, and gives yourselves a rest. Stop trying to impress everyone, and spend some time in your pajamas. Stop with extra-credit stuff for a minute, and take a nap. We all face times that we have to stay on top of our toes and things to stay awake for, but you can’t survive being like that all the time. The moment life gives you a break, don’t pass it up. Remember what it feels like to relax; remember what it feels like to not have to worry about something. Take a hot bath and play some calming piano music. Don’t lose yourself in the hustle, or you will forget who you are and become an uptight mess.

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