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Posts Tagged ‘realize’

21 sounds young, but to me I feel like I’m getting old, especially since I’m a senior in college this year. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me  that there’s plenty of fish in the sea, that it will happen when I least expect it. Sure, maybe it will. Still, that never seemed to help me.

But I think I was going about it all wrong.

God put it in our hearts to want love, to want marriage. Marriage will be a beautiful thing, a day to celebrate the joining of two families into one. I find myself skimming through Pinterest engagement pictures, thinking about that moment when he pops out a ring, how he’ll get down on one knee.

I’ve looked at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses, where we would want the reception, types of flowers and decorations. I’ve thought about those steps down the aisle, not being able to see anyone but him waiting for me.

I look at guys in my life, guys I like, and begin trying on their last names. I imagine honeymoon locations, and buying our first house. I imagine the private things that happen on honeymoons. I imagine tailgate parties, motorcycle rides, and picnics in the park as husband and wife. Sometimes I rub my stomach and think about experiencing that first kick, the excitement of seeing a baby we made even after the pain.

If I have a daughter, I hope to name her Natalie; if a son, I hope to name him Ethan. I’ve thought about what I’d decorate the baby room into, about having a summer cabin by a lake where we could take family vacations. I’ve thought about teaching my kids patience through fishing and hard work by feeding the calves and pulling weeds in the garden. I’d hope my daughter to be a volleyball player like I was. I would love to have a son on the football team.

I’ve thought it all, I’ve read it all. Most experience something of the sort, some don’t.

But then I have to remember something: my priority has never been marriage. My priority has always been God. I have even told myself that in my relationship God will always come first, so why do I have it in my head that I need to find someone before I spend the rest of my life alone? 

A part of me loves being alone. Lately I haven’t had enough time to myself, and I’m someone who needs “me time” if I’m going to survive being with people all the time. I love seeing my friends and family and just people in general, but, for me, there really is such a thing as too much people-time.

For me, to read, write, do summer school homework, play guitar, listen to music without having to participate in conversation; these things I need to do alone. When I was in Italy, I was with people every single day and never really just went for a walk by myself or sat in my bed reading what I wanted to read. I wanted to be in the lounge hanging out with people because I knew my time was limited and I wanted to see them all as much as I could.

But what I seem to keep forgetting, what I think we all forget, is that all of us need time alone. Some need it more than others, but you can’t really reflect unless you give yourself some space from the things that distract you. Since I’m single, I’ll get more “me time” than I will once I get a real full-time job, a boyfriend/husband, and kids. Once my life starts with someone else, my life will be devoted to them. However, right now, I get to devote myself to simple things that I love. This may be the most time I’ll ever get to work on writing my books, and that doesn’t even feel like much time at all.

At the end of the day, yes, I’m single. But I’m also using that time to work towards the things that God has me here to do. Right now, I don’t have a boy to distract me from my writing. I know with every part of my being that God has stories He wants me to share with the world, and He chose me to write them for Him. God is all I’ve ever needed, and I will always seek His Kingdom first. A relationship with a man will always come in second to my relationship with God.

God really is enough, and I hope if you don’t know that already, that you will come to realize it as well 🙂

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I found out yesterday that one of my friends is being harassed at her college for being a lesbian. Word got out, and now she said people have been throwing notes under her door saying things like “faggot,” “dyke,” “go back to where you came from.” 

I personally don’t feel that being gay is right, but I would never dream of going up to anyone and calling them that.

This kind of thing is how suicides happen. No one has ANY idea about her past and what that kind of thing could do to her. You wouldn’t have known she used to cut. What if these words led her back to that? You can use your imagination about the rest that she’s been through.

If you don’t agree with someone’s choices, you meet them, understand them, you DISCUSS things with them. Calling her a dyke wouldn’t do anything but possibly throw her back into depression…or maybe even the opposite. Even wonder how school shooting happen? It starts with throwing hateful notes under their doors. I know my friend wouldn’t do this, but I know the Columbine School Shooting story.

This needs to stop. You are all smarter and more mature than this. How dare any of you who have bullied someone. You are NOT above them, and they are NOT beneath you. They are not bugs, so stop stepping on them. Everyone needs a friend, everyone can be pushed to a limit. Just because you didn’t START the buildup, doesn’t mean your words or actions can’t be the cherry on top of a very shitty day.

We were made to love. To love each other and to love God. Only God has the right to judge, so do you think of yourself higher than God? Do you not realize how hurtful your words are? Do you even know what if feels like to be ignored, unwanted, unloved?

Lift someone up today. If you put everyone down, then what makes you think they would pick you up if they were the only ones there? We need to stop sectioning ourselves into groups, and start becoming one group. We are not labels, so stop treating each other as if we are.

Watch your words. Sometimes just a few of the wrong ones can push someone off the edge. Are you forgetting the phrase “Treat others as you want to be treated”? Knock it off and actually give a shit about those around you, and you might find out how rewarding it is to be nice.

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