Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘high school’

“Often we cleave to things because they possess heavy negative charges. Pain has strong arms.” –Patricia Hampl

Painful memories can be as aggressive as the wind.

I was best friends with a girl from Kindergarten till sixth grade. She was slowly pulling away like silly putty in the fifth grade, but I didn’t realize it till years later. One day after school on the bus, she handed me a note. A few words still stick clearly in my mind like gum on the bottom of a desk: “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

Though I have watched my sister lose many friends over big fights, I had never lost a friend straight out of the toaster like that, and haven’t since. 

Through Jr. High she built up a reputation as one of the cool kids, and by High School she was one of the most popular girls in the class, listed in the yearbook as “Most likely to become a gold digger” along with others of the sort. As I had watched her de-pants others in the hall and become a Witch with a capital “B,” I decided I didn’t need a friend who’s wardrobe took on a whole new meaning of  the word “easy.” Still, that note bothers me to this day.

I believe that our hardest critic is ourselves. Maybe that’s why we cling to pain. We usually settle for what we think we deserve, when in reality we probably deserve higher than we give ourselves credit for. But then we are hurt by those we glued to ourselves—maybe they get up and leave or die—and we cling to the pain because it is the only reminder we have left of them. Friends and family help us spew out excuses of “new beginnings” like a rip in a water hose, but once we are alone we admit the truth to ourselves. We wonder what we did wrong.

So if we can’t have love, we settle for pain. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing, because at least if we are in pain, we can punch a wall, we can soak our pillows, we can buckle over and wait for the cat claws in our stomachs to subside. Even if it is a little thing, we feel something.

Eventually everyone we care about and love will be gone. However, we know that we have to eventually expect that kind of loss. But the kind of pain that we don’t see coming, that can sometimes be the pain with the strongest arms. 

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Image

This is what it looks like to be an English Major. This is from one class.

Finals next week. Praying for those who are stressed!

Have a good week everyone 🙂

Read Full Post »

This is a quick short snip-it about me. But I do have a point at the end of all of it, so read anyway!

I am a solitarian. I don’t even know if that’s a word, but if it isn’t, I’m making it one right now.

I am the awkward quiet one that you know is nice so you’ll say hi, but you don’t invite to stuff. If the others start leaving, eventually they all leave until I’m left by myself…AGAIN.

I am a listener. I’d rather listen to someone else talk, or listen to the radio or sing. I’d rather hear about you than talk about me. I’d rather you pick where we go to eat or what time we should meet up for coffee. There are times when I’m really craving something, or “I’m hungry now, so let’s go eat in fifteen minutes” type thing. But when I say, “I don’t care,” it’s not to be nice. I literally DON’T CARE. I am a follower, not a leader, except for a few cases here and there when I don’t mind leading.

I was scared about my major for a long time. A lot of times I feel like my writing sucks, sometimes it really does suck, and sometimes I just don’t wanna write. But it scares me because I should be writing more than I do, but I don’t. I watch movies and TV shows or sometimes read a book instead, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but watching movies isn’t going to get me a career.

Now I’m realizing that I watch the movies and shows because I adore STORIES. I love making my own stories with people I wish I could be, people I’m glad I’m not, people I’d love to have as my best friend, parents that shouldn’t be parents, handsome funny guys that I wish would ask me out, the popular girl who you’ve always wanted to cut up her clothes and hair with a jagged scissors because someone who is such a bitch shouldn’t look so pretty.

I was the one in the marching band, the one who had a loud cheer, but was too scared to be a cheerleader because I didn’t like being out in front of crowds.

I’m not even smart enough to call myself a nerd. I was in volleyball for 7 years, but I didn’t make the varsity team, so I’m not a jock. I can play guitar and flute, but I’m not a musician because I’m not good enough to show off anything. I live on a hobby farm, but I’m not what you’d call a farmer. I can snowboard but I’m too chicken to go off any jumps because I still fall sometimes. I’m not a social butterfly or an artist or a skater. I’m not stylish, and I’m not someone you go to for a good laugh, though I have my funny moments. I’m just kinda good at some things, but not great at anything.

I’m not getting knocked up, drunk out of my mind, or wearing tiny shorts that barely cover my butt cheeks. I’m bigger than that. I’m smarter than that. And it’s about time I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realize that just because I don’t have a lot of friends, doesn’t mean I don’t have a couple of really good ones.

I am a somewhat solitary person, but I wasn’t made that way by accident. Someday, some dude  is gonna see something in me that I will probably never figure out myself and walk me down that aisle in a wedding dress that I have been dying to go shopping for, and I’ll be the bride of a good man with ambitions, family oriented, and likes the thought of  waking up next to me for the rest of his life and grow old with me; and not the bride of someone I figured I should marry because I’m having his baby.

This girl may be kinda pathetic in more ways than one, I might be too good at making awkward situations, and I’m not always as talkative as I wish I was; but you know, if we were all jabber-mouths, we would get annoyed with each other for not ever getting to say anything.

Only YOU have the power to doubt yourself. Everyone else simply has opinions, and we should let them be simply that–OPINONS.

Read Full Post »

Have you noticed how contradictory the world is? They tell us to be comfortable in our own skin, that we are “perfect the way we are”…and then they slather people in makeup, do close-ups on a couple pimples or slightly shaggy skin, and make us feel like we aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough to be called beautiful. No wonder actors and singers go into drugs and get wasted. We put so much pressure on them, and it can turn a sweet person into a Jerk.

Peer pressure has insane power on us all the time that makes us do things we say we’d never do…and why? Just to get acceptance from people who shouldn’t treat us like that in the first place? Signs say “Just Say No,” but saying no when you are surrounded and outnumbered by people who expect you to say yes…a lot harder when you’re in the moment.

But if we can’t say no to the small things…what will become of us when worse things come our way? It will seem small now, but when you give in, you may think you are in control of it, but it is already in control of you. If they are your friends, you should be able to say no around them. If they keep pushing you, then why do you hang around? It won’t be a one-time thing; they will keep persuading you to do more and more until you are a different person. Find the people you can be yourself around, not the people who you feel like you have to be better. It is good to have people to push you mentally with school work and stuff like that, but when it comes to being who you are, you shouldn’t have to change just because they have problems with it.

If you are shy, like me, trying to push yourself to be out there and conversive…it makes me feel uptight. Once I found friends that actually love to talk a lot, they like being with me because I’m a listener, yet they still let me pipe in every now and then and give my life story while they ask questions and share theirs.

My first semester in college, we were split into halls where we do activities with that hall and a “brother hall” which is a guy’s hall. Most of the girls were fun and nice…the kind of people I like being around…but I didn’t feel myself at all. They ended up not even talking to me , and I felt like I wasn’t being “fun” enough. Since I wasn’t popular in high school, I wanted to try and be in it now…

But then I started making other friends from my classes, people I felt comfortable around. They weren’t the populars, but turns out I’m just not built to be one of them, and I’ve finally learned to accept that.

So be yourself, and you will find that, even if they aren’t the people you are hoping for, they are people who love you for you and won’t try to change you. You were built to be you and will never be happy trying to be someone “better.”

You have probably heard it all before, but maybe that just means we are on to something that others don’t want to listen to.

Read Full Post »