About every other month, depending on the emotional range of the month, I’ll have what I call a “bad day.” This is me trying to describe what goes through my head on my bad days. This is the closest thing I have as an attempt to understand a few things Depression may consist of. I am lucky that my bad days usually only last one day. But that one day feels never-ending in itself. I am lucky that I get to wake up to a new day, fresh start, emotion free. At least in the beginning.
It grows like weeds in a garden after a rainfall.
It stays like an ink stain
and presses like the heat of a humid day.
Imprisioned in my own skin, my own mind,
I drag its chains with me,
exhausted by default.
Usually there is a small trigger.
Something that may not normally upset me; but on that day,
Whether it begins as anger or sadness,
it flares like the beginning of a forest fire.
I feel the need to cry,
but when I think about why I need to cry
I cannot find a reason,
only the need.
But this is only if I’m alone in the moment.
It waits until my back is turned
then steps on the gas.
If I have to face people, my mind is prepared for a show.
If I have to face people, it is no longer me that is talking or caring.
It is only a figment.
Because the rest of me is too busy
burying an emotional rainfall
to care that Judy was flirting with the boy you like.
The rest of me is too busy
trying to remind myself that I am not worthless
that I am not an idiot
that I am not behind where I should be in life.
While you ramble that that boy hasn’t texted you yet,
I am busy trying to save my self-esteem
Then out of maybe guilt or exhaustion,
maybe just because I decide not to care anymore,
it fades and it’s as if I’m no more.
Has your body ever run on autopilot?
How about your mind?
Have you ever felt nothing for or about anything?
Has your ability to feel ever went as frozen and still as the grave?
I hope not.
“I couldn’t care less” has a whole new meaning.
I prefer heartbreak over it because at least heartbreak
carries an emotional pain.
And most Pain has a source that can be grasped and learned from or healed.
This type of pain doesn’t seem like pain
because you don’t feel a thing.
And not feeling a thing
is like being a walking corpse.
For me, this process lasts a few hours. But at some point, something stirs. I force myself to make small talk here and there. Soon enough, I have recovered a good chunk of myself. I do not dread these days, because dreading them gives them power. But they always end. Sometimes that ending feels like it will never come. But it will. Bad days serve as a reminder to be thankful for good days.
I like to think of it as maintenance. The more I focus on the good, the more I enjoy the small things, the longer it takes for bad days to creep up my ankles.
This life is temporary, meaning pain and suffering and loss are temporary. I know what my future holds beyond this life, and that is what I hold on to.
I want to end with this quote from Robin Williams that has stuck with me:
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”