I can’t stop eating. I’ve settled for old Twizzlers and a bag of mint Lifesavers. If there hadn’t been a snowstorm gallivanting about outside yesterday, I’d have driven to town to get some ice cream. When I’m not chomping on Lifesavers cause I’m too impatient to suck on them, I’m biting the crap out of my fingernails. They are shorter than they have ever been. I should try gum, but I get bored of it too fast. Maybe I should take up knitting. I know part of the problem is being female. But I’ve been quite anxious these days, and I haven’t quite figured out what to do about it yet.
I spent the majority of yesterday and this afternoon watching the second season of Grey’s Anatomy and starting the 3rd. I can’t help but feel a connection with Meredith Grey. Maybe it’s because she’s the main character, and that’s the writer’s intent. Meredith spent a lot of her time trying to heal herself while making some bad decisions and trying to figure out the right ones. That’s where I’m at. That’s probably where most people are at most of their lives. But the healing part is taking longer than I hoped. I miss having someone. But something else that caught my attention about the show is something I need to work on: discipline. I’m loyal, but loyalty is different. Loyalty feels easy. But discipline takes time and work. There’s struggle and determination. And I don’t really discipline myself in much. Because there’s nothing really I feel the need to discipline myself in. I’m too good at talking myself out of things. There are things like eating and exercise that I can be better at and some days am better at. I should take it as seriously as I do drugs. But at the moment I don’t because there is too much other things on my mind, so moving on.
I like writing, and I want to keep doing it, but I won’t ever be great at it. Not if I don’t write more and discipline myself to read and study more. In the show, the best doctors had spent so much of their life and their time working to be the best because they wanted to be the best. And they were. And they enjoyed that. But I think my problem is that I’m not interested in being the best. I don’t need to be. I want enough money to pay bills and have some spare change for traveling, but there is too much I want to experience and see to focus all my time and energy on one thing. If that makes me stupid, then I’m stupid. I dawdle in a lot of things. I learned to play the guitar, but I’m not great. I love snowboarding, but I’m not interested in practicing jumps cause I don’t want a broken arm or worse. I write and read when I want instead of when I need to, and for this season of my life, I’m okay with that. I want to learn and experience more. Maybe down the road I’ll relax a little and really put needed work into my writing. But for now, at 24, I want to live my stories. I love stories and books and shows, and I have no guilt whatsoever wasting yesterday day in bed with messy hair and Lifesavers because I was enjoying being in someone else’s story. I’ve felt like a spectator lately, so really it doesn’t sound like I’m doing anything with my life. I’ve felt alone while simultaneously been okay with that fact. But I’m watching. I’m learning. I like hearing what others are doing so when one day I’m in the right place at the right time, I just may have a little better idea of how to handle things. I’m okay, yet not okay. But I’m doing what I can with what I have.
I may not be as disciplined as I should be. But I don’t think I’ll be happy with what I’m doing until I find what it is exactly that I want to discipline myself in. I’m just looking for what interests me, what excites me. Hopefully someday some things will start merging together.